GAINZ: Oopsie

 Originally posted on Tumblr: Sept 8th 2021

Original A/N: Hey guys, keep it safe!  This story was somewhat inspired by the picture. It made me laugh. It’s kind of a joke story, but April Fools is too far away and I’m not waiting! So here take it.

Rick smiled to himself cradling his son in one arm. Today was the day. After this the whole world would change for  him. For too long the door had been closed to him, but he was ready to make a change. He closed the cabinet over the counter with his free hand as his wife walked into the kitchen.

Kissing his wife on the cheek, Rick made his way to the living room bouncing his son, Tyler. He flicked on the TV, ready to watch the morning news. He was more interested in the robotic competition afterwards but was willing to wait. He adjusted his glasses, setting his son on his stomach. The baby was peacefully resting.

“Shit!” his wife yelled out as a loud clang hit the floor.

“You okay hun?” Rick asked, concerned.

“I’m fine. I just knocked over the formula. It’s all over the place.”

“I’ll come help you!”

“No, don’t get up, I got it.” She said shuffling across the floor. Rick knew better than to combat his wife on this topic, so he stayed on the couch with his son. She was a fiery ball of energy that told men to get out of the way.

“We better stay out of  mom’s way,  huh Tyty?” Rick whispered to his sleeping son. He stayed in the living room listening to his wife huff and moan. Even when he offered help a second time all he got was a response that said, “Don’t you dare come in here!”

“Dammit,” She came rushing out the kitchen, “I’m late. Rachel’s going to kill me.” Saturdays were the girls normal get together days. That’s why Rick was also using the day in his favor. It’d be a boy’s day as the girls got to travel around. By the time Rick’s wife had come downstairs, she was hopping into her pants. Ready to rush out the door she kissed her boys goodbye and then vanished with a quick wave goodbye.

An hour later the doorbell rang, and Rick happily skipped over with his son in hand. Opening the door revealed Rick’s best friends, Nevin and Hank. The three had been together since high school united in the fact that they were all nerds, and nowadays all fathers. Nevin held a cheerful boy, while Hank had two, One strapped to his chest and a younger one in a car seat.

Life certainly had been hard for the nerds having grown up. All skinny string beans, easily tossed by a shift in wind. Jocks in high school had no problems demonstrating this by pushing them into lockers, dunking their head in toilets: a never-ending parade of harassment. Everyday was a lesson in the disparity between the two social groups. Even as they grew up neither of the three men were able to break out of their nerd past. The age-old promises of someday the jocks of yesteryear would work for the nerd weren’t as true as they wanted to believe.

For Rick that was torture. Why was it him and his friends that were always asked to suffer? When would the universe cut them some slack? Hank would say that they were all happily married and had beautiful kids, wasn’t that enough? But it wasn’t. So many of the jocks they had gone to school with ended up in the same jobs they did. Hell, Nevin worked directly with a few. Rick had reached his limit with this ridiculousness.

That’s why Rick had a plan.

He welcomed the guys into his home with their boys and their baby bags. They sat around the living room watching the end of the robot competition. Rick finally had enough, it was time to share his master plan with the boys. Flicking off the TV,  he stood up, holding his son carefully.

“Alright guys listen up I’ve been thinking. We need to start going to the gym. No more wallowing at home feeling sorry for ourselves.”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘we’?” Hank said. “I think Nevin and I are just fine with where we are in life.”

“I could do to be stronger,” Nevin shared.

Rick clasped his hands, “ I’m not just talking about strength guys what I got is—

At that moment Tyler began to cry. Rick went into dad mode forgetting his speech and trying to soothe his child. Unfortunately, the crying set off a chain reaction with the group’s kids too. Four baby’s crying and None of the fathers knew why.

“I think they’re hungry . Nevin shared. “Rick, where do you and Helen keep the formula?”

Rick was barely listening as he bounced his son, hoping the boy would fall back to sleep. “We keep it in the top cabinets.” There was no time to pay attention to Nevin. Perhaps his son wanted the crib? Rick motioned to Hank he was going up stairs and to bring the boys. Hank made sure to shout to Nevin that they were moving rooms.

“Sorry about this Hank I don’t know why Tyty is so grumpy. Now he went and made the other kids upset.” Rick walked into the nursery which also served as a playroom. Once there, Rick found Tyler’s pacifier and quieted the boy. From there the baby’s calmed down in a few minutes. Hank also tried to use a pacifier but one of the twins spat it right up.

“As I was saying. I think it’s time we change the rule on the Jocks.”

“Shouldn’t we wait for Nevin?’

 “No, We’ll fill him in on a moment. I need you to get on the same page as me.”

 “Dude, I’ve gotten over all this high school bullshit.” Hank held up a hand before Rick retorted. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying getting bullied builds character. Or what we went through wasn’t borderline harassment. Or that if it happened to my kid, I’d let it slide. The world wouldn’t be able to stop me then. But all that being said. I just don’t care about that anymore.”

 “How can you not?” Rick leaned closer.

 “Rick, let high school go.”  Hank stated.

 Nevin came into the room with warm bottles for all the boys. Passing it out, the father’s began to feed the babies.

 “Listen, this isn’t just a revenge fantasy type thing. I honestly think that we can become better fathers, maybe even lovers, if we do this.” Tyler sucked away at the bottle his father held.

 Nevin smirked “Shows what you know. I’m already great at those things… but what exactly is your plan? I’m guessing you’re about to say going to the gym is all?” Nevin’s son fought for his dad to pay more attention feeding the bottle. Meanwhile Hank was lucky enough to have one child that could feed himself.  All the bottles were empty in no time.

 “No it’s not the gym…well sorta but listen we need to—

 Crying broke out once again and none of the fathers could quell their child.  They didn’t need to be changed to want a nap. Nevin was smart enough to go refill the bottles and gave the baby’s another helping which they happily enjoyed till they fell asleep. Rick made them set the boy in the crib then took his men downstairs.

 “Look as I was saying, going to the gym is a part of my plan. But my main plan is that I want us to start taking this new protein powder. This is going to be a game changer. It’s been selling great on the markets. You can’t even imagine how hard it was to get a case of this stuff.”

 “Protein powder? That’s your marvelous plan? Are you joking?” Hank said arms crossed.

 “Dude this is just normal protein powder. I’ve read the reviews online: people stated this as changing their lives. Nothing else even comes close.”

 Hank rolled his eyes, “You can’t put your faith in stuff like that, it’s a scam.”

 Rick took a deep sigh, before facing his two best friends, “ Guys think about being an athlete, fit, or even just in shape. What we could do, our stamina would be wild. We could even teach our boys how to play ball. I know we all have our nerd ways of bonding we’re going to share with them. But wouldn’t it be awesome to teach them some jock things too? We could do that! Become a bridge between nerds and jocks.”

“You honestly think we can do this?”

“I’m all for it. What’s the name of this so-called life changing stuff  anyway?

 “GAINZ!”

Nevin’s face dropped. “What?”

“You heard of it?” Hank raised an eyebrow.

 “Only when I fixed the babies their milk.”

 “What the fuck are you saying, GAINZ isn’t for babies!”

 “I’m sorry, but that was the only formula I saw in your cabinets.”

 “It’s not formula, and my baby should not be taking it.” Rick rubbed his head. There was a secret he knew about GAINZ, one he had decided to tell his friends much later; GAINZ had the power to grow and turn people into jocks. It was supposed to be a secret he was going to spring on his friends as a surprise. 

 A long clang rang from upstairs like a structure collapsed.

 “Is someone trying to break in?”  Hank asked. With no answers all the father took off, realizing it was coming from where the babies were. Opening the door, the father’s let out a gasp, gone were their precious babies in their place were young men.